I was not sure I would ever share this, but writing is therapeutic for me. This was written months ago and I feel led to share. Many reasons. One in particular is that I know there are others who feel alone and are enduring something that others may not understand. I am also sharing this because there seems to be a stigma attached to loss, I am not sure why. But I can be certain that this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. You need not feel embarrassed or ashamed. This is my story.
“A person is a person no matter how small” ~ D.S
I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 on September 5, 2012. We could not of been more elated! I just felt so blessed. So unbelievably blessed to have an already incredible little boy and now another little person on the way. Our due date was May 18th, we couldn’t wait!
From the very start I felt different. I did not quite feel like I did with Gray, but I do understand that pregnancies are different. Instead of focusing too much on that I just focused on taking care of myself and enjoying my growing belly. I love being pregnant so I just wanted to enjoy every single second! I show very early, this time earlier then my first pregnancy. At only 4 weeks I was already using hair elastics to close my jeans!
I was so wonderfully convinced we were having a girl. Hubs and I had names picked out very early, for either a girl or a boy. We didn’t care what gender, just wanted a healthy babe. I started dreaming about what I wanted to do in the nursery and therefore what I wanted to do in Grays room because we would have to move him to a big boy bed. We discussed that we would need a bigger car because we go to the cabin so much and with two car seats and a dog kennel our little car would just not work. We were already planning away.
I was 7 weeks and things just seemed off, the little pregnancy symptoms I did have were slightly diminished. I also know that your mind can play tricks on you in such an emotional time. So I did not worry. I had a bit of spotting but my midwife did not think it was too much too worry. By the end of the week my emotions had the best of me, so I turned to prayer. I prayed about this sweet baby and asked the Lord that His will be done in this situation. Thanksgiving Monday I just knew something had happened. We had a busy day ahead, so after a panicked morning, I continued continuing on and enjoyed the rest of the day.
The next day I really could not handle not knowing what was going on. So I called and requested an emergency ultrasound. My dearest friend came with me and my wonderful Mom stayed with little Gray. Of course I was a mess, but the overwhelming need to pee kept me distracted until we got called into the room. Oh come on you know you’ve been there!!
The tech was kind but business like. She started scanning and pressing buttons and after what seemed like an eternity told me she was going to get the radiologist. It was a long wait in a lonely, cold room. He came back and told me that although I was 8 weeks the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. He said that my numbers could be off and that maybe the next week we would see a heartbeat.
I credit my gracious Christ Jesus for preparing my heart for this news. I believe He was working on preparing me for such an event the entire week prior and perhaps even sooner. This did not diminish my tears but I did know in my heart that my baby was gone and that we would not be seeing this little one’s heartbeat.
Two days later, just shy of nine weeks, our sweet girl was back in the arms of her powerful creator.
It seemed like she was here for such a short time, but had such an impact on me and my family. I feel I was so blessed to have had the chance to carry her. She was made in love, carried in love and finally held in the strong arms of love. I may have never gotten to rock her to sleep, dry her tears or kiss her soft forehead. But I loved her every moment from when I found out that I was carrying her and I will love her until I reunite with her in heaven.
I have had all kinds of emotions but mostly I have just felt sad and empty. At times it feels surreal. I think a miscarriage is one of those things that you think will never happen to you until it does. It is also something that you can never fully understand until it happens to you. I have friends who have also lost their babies and I never knew what to say. I would simply hug them and say “I am so sorry.” Because of this, I realized that as I am going through this, some people may not know what to say. And that is ok. All that someone needs to know is that they are loved, this was not their fault and that you are there no matter what they need.
I know that God walks with me. Of course this is not the outcome I had hoped or prayed for. As believers, I think we always leave open the potential for a miracle. Because we know He can. So although the ending was sad, my Father never left me.
The week that all this was happening, dear Hubs was away so far north that he did not have cell service. He would try to call once a day but the electricity or phones were often down. Even though he was gone, God surrounded me with a tremendous amount of love, I was never alone. I have the most amazing friends and family. My Mom and best friend sat by my side all week. They listened to every emotion, dried every tear, they wept with me and just made themselves available. Another blessed friend made it her mission to make sure we were fed and brought meals over, that was so thoughtful and helpful.
Everyone handles grief different. For me, it helped to name my baby. One of the things that made my heart so sad through all of this was the idea that many people would think she did not exist because she never had an earthly body. I am living proof she existed. The impact that she has had on us is real and definite. I will never, ever be the same. The pain I have felt in losing her is consistent, at times debilitating. It is hard because although you lost someone who love the world does not seem to “count” it as a death. There is no furneral, no time given for grieving. Most people assume that it happened and you are back on your feet in no time. That is just not the case, a mother grieves the death of her baby just as she would a sibling or a parent. This is real and if you have someone in your life who has endured this, please don’t ignore it or shrug it off.
We named her Faith. Faith is an English name, ultimately from Latin fidere “to trust”. Moving forward I know our family will have to trust completely in Jesus. She has reminded us to always trust that God will use her life for good. We pray and hope for more children, and we know that the Lord has plans for us. He has always taken wonderful care of us we cannot wait to see what He has in store for us!
We love you little Faith and we will always feel as though our family is incomplete without you. Thank you for always reminding us of what is important, what is true and most importantly the love that Jesus has for all of us. Until we meet in Heaven sweet girl, Mama & Daddy.