Every night when I lie down in my bed I ponder the day. Sometimes I beat myself up for something I did or did not do. Maybe I raised my voice or wasn’t as active with Gray as I should of been. Maybe our day was full of temper tantrums (both of us!) or maybe it was quiet and connected. No matter what happens, every night I go through it. I think that always leads to wondering if I am doing a good enough for my young man. Am I spoiling him? Do I hold him back? Does he have fun during the day? Did he eat healthy enough?
Do you do this?
Most Mamas do. We question and research and look at our jobs as Moms. Mama guilt creeps in from time to time. Exhaustion is often knocking on our door. I was also finding this year, that longing to expand our family or to get the house completed, etc. took away from my time with my son. That precious time that is just slipping through my fingers, whether I like or not (I don’t, by the way – slow down!!). Me, thinking or wondering what path we were headed down, where we were going, worrying about what was or wasn’t going to happen. Time just wasted on things that don’t improve by worrying.
So, I started to trying to figure out what my boy needed. I already knew these, but simplifying and breaking it down ensured me that I could get it all done and that I could grow and improve in the process. His needs are not many, food, water, cuddles and as much love and affection that we could dish out. So what was I missing?
I realized that what I was missing was the fact that the love I was giving was often interrupted. The phone would ring, the house would need vacuuming. my mind would wander as we were conducting a very important car race around the living room. I was physically there, but sometimes I was mentally missing. Zoning out my precious boy who looks up at me with his big brown eyes asking me to, “come see, come see!!” And I think that I finally connected it all, Gray wants us, just as we are. He wants loving parents not longing parents. He doesn’t need parents who are sitting with him and thinking of something else. Parents who can’t log off their email or put down their phone. He doesn’t need parents who get swept away in worrying instead of playing hide and go seek. He needs us, regardless of what we need to do an hour from now or what condition the house is. When he remembers his childhood I don’t think he will be focused on how many dishes were in the sink. I want him to remember that we made time for him. Time to listen to his stories and to practice counting or colors. Us, focusing on him, praising him, hugging him and playing with him. Loving him fully every single day.
This boy we have been given is a gift. And I try my best everyday to make sure I am not taking this precious soul for granted. That I am giving him all that God expected when He entrusted Gray into our hands. Everyday takes some shifting, some adjusting. Some days don’t always go as planned. Our life isn’t perfect, I am not a perfect Mom. But, I am a Mom who tries her very best for her son, who tries to give him all I have. In the evening when I ponder, I pray that the Lord would direct me, that I would know how to raise Gray. That He would show me what Gray needs in his life. If our day was messy and disappointing I pray that tomorrow I would do better, give more, love honestly. Remember each day is a new day, don’t be hard on yourself for yesterday, start anew today.
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.
~ Charles (Chuck) Swindoll